"The Way of the Superior Man" ("Tõelise mehe tee")

I read the book "The Way of the Superior Man" as it has been much talked about lately and I liked it. It is amazing how David Deida has gained such an insight into women and what they really want. It was also very pleasant how the author described different actions of men which are usually frowned upon as manly and neccessary in order for women to be happy with their partners.

For the sexual passion to remain in time, there need to be two polar energies: masculine and feminine. Masculine men like to watch war movies and sports because it represents freeing oneself from the capture of the opponent. For men mission, competition and stretching the limits are all forms of ectasy. Female sexuality is fuelled by seach for love so they watch romantic comedies, read romance novels and talk to their girlfriends about relationships. In order to feel fulfilled mentally and sexually one needs to know their sexual orientation ie are they masculine, feminine or balanced. However 90% of the population is polarized and only 10% balanced. Gender has no relevance here meaning that a man can also be feminine. He needs a masculine woman to get sparks flying. You have to be true to yourself and your core in order to experience real love.

Being true to oneself also means that a masculine man and his partner have to acknowledge that more important than the intimate relationship is the man's mission whatever it may be. It is a higher cause which makes him do things and he should not be held back. So his partner should be happy over the 30 minutes of undivided attention after which he has to go rather than nagging about his lack of attention all the time making him feel guilty and feeling guilty herself. It is obvious that no good can come out of it. The same goes for the whole family.

The author gives certain recommendations how to be a masculine man. For example he encourages him to proceed with the things he has always wanted to do but has postponed for better times to come. A feminine woman need his man to have a mission which he is committed to. This is manly and sexually appealing as well.

2. Do not shut down when you are hurting or things have not gone your way. Keep and open heart.
3. Do not change your mind to please your woman. She is just testing you sometimes (when she is being unreasonable) to see if you bend and is happy when she sees that you make up your own mind. This does not mean that you specifically do opposite her will but that you consider arguments on both sides and then decide. Your woman needs to feel that you have a backbone which means in times of need she can rely on you to lead the way.
4. Overcome fears step by step instead of settling for less.
5. In love, go as deep as you can to understand and feel your woman. Don't give up half way there because of her moodswings and your frustration that you just don't understand these creatures from Venus.
6. Chores and different obligations are important but they don't increase love or freedom or self-concsiousness so don't overemphasize them and make other things priority.
7. You woman's bad mood dissolves when you hug her with love.

The author also gives recommendations on how to treat a woman.
1. Women do not lie, their truth just varies much more in time than yours. When they say something out loud, it is a momentary feeling and passes at the same instance.
2. Praise your woman. Instead of saying "You look ugly when you frown," let her know that she looks beautiful when she smiles. When you praise her charm, kindness, etc you get more of her charm and kidness. That's how simple it supposedly is.
3. Instead of just putting up with her moods, embrace her with love. Tickle ker, sing a tune naked, make animal noises and then kiss her passionately. And do it again and again. Let the storm of feelings be expressed and watch it quiet down caressing her. Most of the time you do not solve her problem by analysing it. Instead she needs to feel that she can let go of everything and she will be taken care of by you. Very often women like that their man gives them 30 minutes to pack the bags to go on a spontaneous trip nearby without even remotely giving it a thought that is was not negotiated with her first. It is very liberating to have a man make the decisions.

A very interesting chapter in the book talks about men's attraction to other women - strangers who pass them by but who they fancy in their mind. Women should not give men a hard time for this because it is manly and it is not threatening to your relationship per se. Men are advised to feel the feeling, to let it energize them and then to let it go. When you acknowledge the desire, you acknowledge life energy in yourself. Let yourself be inspired. Do not mistake self-discipline with repression. Repression means fighting the desire by blocking it. Self-discipline means that bigger wishes surpass smaller ones and bigger wish should be love built on understanding and compassion.

A man should choose a woman whose polarity complements him. Masculine man is drawn to feminine women who are a bit wild, uncontrollable, prone to change their mind quickly, etc. This energy is taken in by the man as more inspiring and healing than the enery of a calm and trustworthy woman however bizarre it sounds.

Sexually more neutral men prefer women who are neither masculine nor feminine. They like to talk on different topics, they share common interests and their love is as strong as the love of the masculine-feminine couple. However their sexual relationship is less passionate. They do not scream or throw pillows at each other and they do not have wild sex afterwards. Emotional thunderstorms create desire. So find your match!

However at different phases of you life you may be drawn to different energy and when you get tired of a warm woman who lightes you up and keeps you on your toes, you may desire somone cooler who soothes and lets you be. Instead of changing your partner you can also cool yourself by wearing lighter clothes, take walks by a river or lake, have a massage and a cold drink.

The priority of a masculine man is mission or a life goal. The priority of a feminine woman is closeness and love. When a woman feels that her partner is more feminine than her ie he wants the relationship more than her and she has become the center of his life, she feels compelled to become more masculine meaning needing her own space, freedom to go her way and wanting to be free from a clingy man.

Many women do not know how deep and ectatic physical love may be. A woman may want the man to reach an orgasm before he gets to her wounded soul. She protects herself by not letting you penetrate to the core of her. However especially this type of woman would really benefit from letting her man peal off the fear layer by layer with care, tenderness, surprises, persistance.

Sex is not a way to ejaculation but many men act like it. The first sexual experience men have is usually to do with mastrubation. They stimulate their genitalia, fantasize about something, build up tension and ejaculate. It has nothing to do with love or closeness. They learn do do it well and do not necessarily change their patterns when having sex with a woman. A man has to be able to control his ejaculation or a woman will gain sexual control over him which in turn does not create trust for opening herself to him completely. The author offers suggestions how to control ejaculation.

It is not good to spend all the time together because then a woman starts becoming more masculine and vice versa. In order to keep her femininity, a woman needs to dance, sing, laugh, be joyful by herself every day. It is very refreshing to spend time with other women. Otherwise the energy gets depleted and she is more susceptible to disease (often gynaecological); her life energy, sexual desire and feeling of pleasure diminsh, mood becomes gloomy. Man's power is restored by toughness and challenges. Toughness means the end of a comfortable life, the end of everything which prevents him to act near the end of his limits. Good challenges are those which make him overcome fear be it fear of public speaking or something else. At least once a week, it is good for a man to meet with his male friends.

Arvepidamine suhtes

On õhtu, naine ja mees on kodus. Naine ütleb mehele, et ta hea meelega teeb süüa, aga kuna köögikapis ja külmikus laiutab tühjus, võiks mees, kes niikuinii läheb varsti koeraga jalutama, läbi põigata keldripoest ning osta riisi ja tuunikala konservi. Mees vastab selle peale, et tema on sel nädalal juba kaks korda poes käinud, nüüd on naise kord. Naine imestab, et miks mees neid kordi loeb, võtku jalad selga ja löögu kaks kärbest ühe hoobiga. Mees aga kurjustab, et niikuinii käib tema kogu aeg koeraga jalutamas, peseb naise autot ning pügab muru, miks ei või naine seda ühte asja teha. Ma ei tea, kuidas see vestlus edasi kulgeb, usutavasti saavad mõlemad siiski söönuks, aga tuju on rikutud.

Mõelgem suhte algusaja peale, kui on tahtmine kõike koos teha sh ka poes käia ja süüa vaaritada. Köögis koos olemine on lõbus, saab isegi vahest toidusõda peetud. Mõlemad nuputavad, mis teist võiks rõõmustada, teevad seda ja on rahul, kui kaaslane rahulolevalt naeratab ja hellalt tänusõnu lausub. Tihti aga mingist hetkest mitte lihtsalt drastiliselt ei vähene teise "teenimine", vaid algab ka arvestus, millal tema viimati midagi kena tegi. Miks? Selge on see, et alul ikka püütakse meeldida, hiljem tuleb nö suhte laiskus, et midagi halba ei juhtu, kui ma ei tee/ei ütle. Kui tööl on pikad päevad ja näiteks veel koolgi pooleli või väiksed lapsed peres kasvamas, on loomulik, et ei saa kogu tähelepanu partnerile suunata - selleks pole lihtsalt energiat ning on nii palju teisi asju/inimesi, mille/kelle peale operatiivselt mõelda. Ole ise eeskujuks -ok, püüan olla teadlik sellest, et aktiivne hoolimine kaasast peab ka argipäeval toimuma ja just nii et ta seda tunneks. Aga vahest tundub, et tema kogu aeg võtab ja võtab, aga ise vastu ei anna. Siis on täiesti arusaadav, miks võib tekkida soov ise ka shutdown teha. On aga selge, et nii paremaks ei lähe.

Ainuke asi, mida siin soovitada on meeles pidada, et suhe võib olla nii palju parem, kui oma partneri nimel pingutada ja oma vajadustest rääkida. Seda on vaja teha mina-keeles, nagu eriti Gordoni perekoolis käinud on õpetusena kuulnud. See tähendab, et selle asemel, et süüdistada, et sa ei too mulle lilli, sa oled liiga kaua tööl, sa ei tee mulle komplimente, sa ei aita mind kodutöödes, tuleb sõnastada kõik need asjad endast lähtuvalt. See tähendab, et ütled, et ma olen kurb, kui ma sinult vahest lilli ei saa, tunnen end üksildasena, kui sa pikki õhtuid kodust ära tööl oled, tunnen end ebaatraktiivsena, kui sa mulle vahest komplimente ei tee ning ma olen nii rampväsinud, kui kogu majapidamine minu õlul on. Kas tunnete vahet? No proovige.

Tegelikult käib meil kõigil suhtes arvepidamine. Arve avatakse armumisega ja sellega koos saab partner oma kontole tuhandeid plusspunkte. Kuude, aastatega teeb ta ikka mingeid apsakaid, mis saldot vähendavad, aga tihti lisanduvad samas ka uued punktid. Kui partner pole teie ühisele suhtekontole sinu tunnetuse järgi (see ei ole tingimata sama kui faktiliselt) tükil ajal sissemakseid teinud, küll aga oled sina oma arvates palju panustanud, siis psühholoogiliselt jääb ta sinu silmis miinusesse, ja kui ta siis pöördub sinu poole väljamakse sooviga st soovib sinult vastutulekut mingis asjas, lähebki punane tuluke põlema ning ärritus ja pahameel tõusevad.

Seega kui on vaja poodi minna, minge ja miks mitte ka koos. Tehkem ikka mitterahalisi sissemakseid suhtekontole, siis teie äri õitseb!:)


PS Elu mitte väga tõsiselt võtmine tuleb ka kasuks, sh seda postitust lugedes.